I am ready to walk toward the world, to risk becoming part of it. 

                                                            -For Today, September 15th

This is exactly what I haven't been doing. Having a blog but not posting. Drawing inspiration from events, but not sitting down to write about them, to see where those thoughts can take me. Letting the moment pass without acting. Not posting because of the false belief that I can only post a full, completely thought-out essay, and letting that expectation prevent me from even getting started. 

Writing in this blog is my way of walking toward the world. Not writing is walking away from it. To publish is to risk becoming part of the world. It's the thing that makes me feel the most alive and also the most terrifying. 

Anchors

Today, I have eight solid days of abstinence from my newest, deadliest binge foods. I call them the "lesser" salty binge foods, but almost a year of repeated relapse because of them proves they can take me down just like any of my other alcoholic foods. This is me getting completely honest in my quest for entire abstinence. I don't just want to say I'm abstinent, I want to feel that way, too. 

He Died on November 12th

Today, I am feeling out-of-sorts. I'm praying for direction. I am praying for the ability to turn away from powerful urges I'm having to screw sorting out my feelings and seek the immediate bliss of consuming some kind of food to distract me from the harrowing discomfort.  

Transracial Adoptee

I learned a new term yesterday at my Adoptee Voices Writing Group-- Transracial adoptee. Apparently that's the term that describes me, since I am of the Korean race and was placed with a family of a different race. Labels are superficial, but it feels good to know there is a name for what I am. For most of my life, I thought so little of my identity as an adoptee that never thought about what to call it. I have to name it so I can learn more about it. 

Day # 7

I did it! When I hit publish for this entry, I completed the challenge I set for myself; posting every day for 7 days straight.

I feel a deep sense of calm and peace at this moment, having just watched an episode of Chef's table about 60-year old, Jeong Kwan, an exceptional chef and Zen Buddhist nun in South Korea. I noticed it was one of the episodes I had previously skipped over in the queue. I was about to skip it again tonight but in the spirit of embracing the thing I am curious about but feels scary and too different, I decided to hit play-- so glad I did. 

Day #6

I am working on an essay right now prompted by the recent fatal shooting of 6 Asian-American women in Atlanta. It's about being an Americanized Korean adoptee, what that means and how it has effected my identity. I started writing it on Wednesday. It is taking me awhile to write because I realized that I am really figuring it all out as I go along. Today I found the words for something I had been stuck on for a few days. It's a small victory but feels really good.

Day #5

Day #5. So this is the day it all breaks down. There's no way this will be close to 300 words. It's 9:30pm and it's too late for me to think of a subject to write about. This is good though. I am learning about what kind of writer I am-- definitely not the kind that likes to stay up at late night. That means if I am looking to carve out some quiet, uninterrupted writing time, it going to have to be early morning.