We wear our disease on the outside

They walk among us.  People with eating disorders who you may never suspect.  They may not be hundreds of pounds overweight, or have ever made themselves vomit (bulimics), or look painfully thin, aka. anorexic. They are called compulsive overeaters and I am one of them.

I challenge you to find a story on a compulsive overeater on the news, or featured in a television show or film. They just don't exist, so don't feel bad if you've never heard of us before.  It's really kinda of shocking though...

106 Day Commitment to No Sugar

It's been 106 days since I first made that commitment to myself to abstain from recreational sugar.  Have I eaten sugar since then? Yes, I have.  More than once?  Yes.  More than twice?  Yes. Yes.  Does this mean I have blown my commitment?  No, I have not.

The old me would have quit a long time ago.  I would have slipped, felt horrible about it and used that as an excuse to dive in even deeper, binging til the cows came home.  With addiction, once those "flood gates are open" so to speak, there's nothing to stop the compulsion.

But today, I am not where I used to be.  And I find myself...

"I did it for me." Walt said.

BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT
[If you have Tivo'd the series finale of Breaking Bad and have not seen it yet, stop reading.]

That's the pivotal moment in last night's Breaking Bad series finale,

Why I Blog

When I decided to write a blog, it was not my intention for it to be only about food, body issues and mom stories.  I envisioned it to be a place I could write thoughtfully about whatever came up in my life and was of interest to me at the moment; movies, television, current events, etc. I wanted to challenge myself to write more purposefully and in a more coherent, effective way, versus my journal writing which is more "stream of consciousness."  I wanted to go one step beyond the polite...

My last blog title was a lie

I'm pretty sure I will never "transition out" of sweet-seeking.  It's how my eating disorder manifests itself.  It's what I do.  You could say I have a "sweet tooth," but that would be putting it mildly.  It would be more accurate to say I am a sugar "addict." Even in recovery,  there will be times when I will crave something sweet.  I accept this as fact.  The difference is, I no longer crave sugar every day, multiple times a day. This is a miracle.

Transition out of "sweet-seeking"

My 6-year-old son started first grade yesterday, and it did not go as easily as I expected.  I guess I thought that since Kindergarden went really well-- he had lots of friends, and did well academically,  that he wouldn't have a problem.  Yep.  I was wrong...

Banned from Cupcake Wars

So one of the things that is different today-- I have banned myself from watching the baking competition show Cupcake Wars on the Food Network.  It used to be one of my all-time-favorite shows, indeed.

When I was single and childless I wrote shows for this network and that's when I learned about the term "food porn." It's the term TV execs...

Can't do another diet

It is my opinion that for most of us with lifelong (or at least adulthood-long) battles with our weight-- that it isn't due to the lack of awesome information out there about diet and exercise programs that all work if you do them-- but rather...

Deliberate life full of purpose

This is me four years ago, sprawled out in the waters of St. Barts.  It was one of the most peaceful, most contented moments I can remember. 

It is with great humility that I write these posts about freedom from recreational sugar.  I do not claim to be an "expert" in any sense of the word.  I'm not special.  I am posting this to say...

How I Went (now) 49 Days Without Sugar

When I say "sugar" I am referring to the kinds of junk food I have discovered over the years that I cannot "eat like a lady;" cookies, cupcakes, candy bars, carmel popcorn, etc.  I refer to this as "recreational sugar." I don't mean that I consume no sugar whatsoever.  I am aware there is sugar in all kinds of foods like fruit, crackers, ketchup, some yogurts, etc.  These are not the foods I'm referring to.  One of the things I did...

48 Days of Freedom without Sugar

I never thought I could last 48 days without "recreational" sugar (cakes, cookies, cupcakes, pie, ice cream, candy, chocolate, etc.), nor did I think I'd ever want to.  But over these past 6 weeks, I've experienced what can only be described as a miracle; the freedom from the compulsion to overeat/binge on sugar...

What was once a "slice," today is gone.

So, remember when I wrote just 2 posts ago about that slice of Mommy-heaven... getting a 30 minute break while I watched both my kids take swim lessons?  Well, that's gone down the tubes.  My 3-year old has decided he doesn't want to swim and refuses to get in the pool for the lesson.  (big breath in, big breath out... sigh) Today, I'm just happy I enjoyed those 3 times when he did.  I'm not sure how I'm going...

I am a Part of Community Art

Yesterday, I was outside our local kick-butt bookstore, and I found this cool art installation.  It's a chalkboard with the simple phrase "One day I will...." Passersby are invited to fill-in the blanks.  It's an off-shoot of Candy Chang's famous...

Slice of Mommy-Heaven

It honestly hurts to be away from this place so long. Today I'm back, no matter how long it's been or how short this post will be.  I'm grateful that today everything is not wrong. Today I have peace because I surrender the things I am not in control of, like my children's behavior.  I have calm.  And this I say is...

Today everything is wrong

How quickly my headspace has changed.  Today everything is wrong.  The kids are really bugging me. My 2-year-old son is on a whining and complaining bender.  My 6-year old needs my attention too, but I need some time today...

A Beautiful Mess

This is my beautiful mess.  No matter how hard I try to keep my vanity neat and tidy, it always ends up looking like a disaster.  It was clean yesterday and this is what it looks like today.  It can actually get a lot worse than this.

"A Beautiful Mess, Embrace your Story" is next year's theme for my MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) group, which is "the bomb" by the way-- but more on that later.  I love, love this phrase because it tells me...

Bloom where you are planted.

I spent my Mother's Day in urgent care, making sure my persistent cough hadn't progressed into pneumonia-- which it hadn't, thank God!  Not the most enjoyable way to spend the day, but despite the chest x-ray and nebulizer treatments, this may be my favorite Mother's Day yet...

Binge Stuff or Mom Stuff?

This whole blog thing is a tricky business.  I've never done it before, but somehow I feel like I have to be awesome and perfect at it right away.  One of the hardest parts for me...

Cake is a "hard limit" for me

I say that because it seems to be the one sugary delight that just sends me over the edge.  I have an unnatural love of it.  I love it so much, when I start eating...

I Want a Black-Belt in "Mommy"

A friend announced that her son just got his yellow belt in Karate and I felt myself getting jealous.  I thought, "Why in the world should I be jealous of that?"  Am I jealous because I want my son to try martial arts, and he has absolutely no interest?  Maybe.  But as I thought about it more, I realized that what I was really jealous of was...

Immediately Awesome

I don't know if you can relate, but the reoccurring thought in my head that I have to be immediately awesome at something, even if I've never done it before is a paralyzing force. So paralyzing that it...

Okay, so I ate the Easter candy

Yes, I'm fresh off a binge. Damn it. I was doing so well for a number of weeks.  My downfall... going out to dinner with my family for Easter and ordering cake.  Man... I should have known better.  The slices were enormous and decadent. They were big enough that two people sharing it could each eat too much and then still have a decent size piece left-over.  Once I pushed my fork through...

Not gonna eat the Easter candy

Today is going to be one of the hardest days of the year for me food-wise.  I feel like I'm missing out if I don't get to indulge in the Easter candy, or the Valentines day candy, or Halloween candy.  Many a holiday, I have used the next day 50% off holiday candy discount as a justification to purchase and overindulge.  Maybe it won't be as hard for me today after my little slip yesterday.  Here's hoping....

Sanity and Peace Around Food

It was my first day back to the gym after about six days.  Because my body was used to not moving, it was starting to get used to it.  I also noticed that a little bit of sugar and definitely more carbohydrates were sneaking into my diet.  Not a good sign.  Usually, this is time I would just throw it all away--

I Don't Hate Myself Today

I don't hate myself today.  In fact, I haven't hated myself in 44 days.  February 7th, 2013. That's the day I finally became ready and willing to do the things I need to do to take care of myself;  for starters... getting much needed exercise on a regular basis, making food choices that feed my body, instead of...

Bare Minimums

Bare minimums.  That's all I could handle this morning. Get up.  Get coffee.  Feed kids. Get them dressed. Get me dressed.  Pack lunch. Get in car... drive.  Drop off child at school.  It took every ounce of energy I possessed...