Short Letter to My Late Father

Hi Dad. 

It’s been a little while. Two years to be exact. I wanted to take this time to thank you for being my dad. I know it wasn’t easy for you to be a father.  It’s not even clear to me that you wanted to be one. I asked mom one time when I was young, why you both adopted kids. It didn’t really seem like either of you particularly even liked kids. She said “That’s what people are supposed to do, have kids.”

I wish I knew you better, Dad...
I wish you knew me better. I wish...you felt more comfortable around me and I around you. Comfort probably comes with time and we didn’t get to spend a lot of it together. I try not to take that too personally. I suspect even if you had a daughter you were biologically related to, you wouldn’t have spent much time with her either, getting to know each other, fostering a relationship. But I don’t know that for sure.

I was at your bedside a lot during your final days. I probably spent more time with you in your last month than I had in the past 15 years. I spent more time holding your hand in those few weeks than I had my entire life. 

I miss you, Dad, but I am also pretty relieved we don’t have to do it anymore. You know, the painful, strained conversation we had every few months. The one where we made awkward small talk for 5 minutes tops and tried not to think about how sad it was that we were really just strangers. 

I forgive you for not being there. You did the best you could. There’s more to share, but maybe that's for another day. For now, I just wanted you to know...  I love you very much and thank you.