Taming the Shame Spiral

The other day I ate a lot more than usual in the form of lots of little snacks throughout the day. Those snacks culminated in an all-too-familiar late night snack alone in front of the TV - a crippling compulsive eating habit that over the years has let to weight gain, clinical depression and a paralyzing negative self-image. 

I woke up the next morning, felt the bigness in my stomach and then it began: the negative self-talk. "I overate. I am a terrible person. I hate myself."

But that's when something new happened. I heard my Higher Power's voice
drown out the negative self-talk. It said "You are not a bad person. You just ate too many crackers."

In that moment, it became clear. This is how the disease of compulsive overeating takes hold. I feel shame causing my spirit to fold in on itself. This begins the downward spiral of self-loathing which leads to more eating. 

For the first time, my Higher Power offered up something else. It was presented like someone holding out a silver platter and on it, the word "self-compassion." I had a new thought, "This does not define me." My HP was giving me permission to love myself.

I was emboldened to do something different this time, to react with kindness and understanding toward myself instead of hatred and contempt. Instead of falling into a shame spiral, I took up the tools, I journaled to figure out what was going on with me that day and I shared at an OA meeting. 

Thanks to my HP, I know what it looks like to show myself compassion. And because of it, I feel stronger in my program and closer to Him.