Today, I Will Do the Thing That I Want to Do

For five months I've been doing everything but posting here.  I had lost something that gave me the courage, the boldness, the confidence to do the thing that I love to do, but often find scary...

The Tooth Fairy Did Not Come Because Mom Was Eating

My 7-year old lost a tooth yesterday, put it under his pillow last night, and when he woke up, it was still sitting there under his pillow, in the pocket of his tooth-shaped tooth pillow...

Hoffman

Shock. Devastation. Loss. Sadness. Raw talent, gone.  All of these things went through my mind the moment I heard about the death of one of my favorite actors, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Addiction.

I was devastated. The tragedy felt so close to home because of the issue of addiction.  I wanted to do something.  Anything.  But what could I possibly do?  What could I do to help make his passing more meaningful to myself and maybe someone else.  All I could think of to do was write.

The first time I saw him was in the 1997 film, Boogie Nights.  In this movie  Hoffman's character is rebuffed, after trying to kiss the lead character played by Mark Walhberg. I will never forget the the genius of that scene.  Hoffman's character banging his head repeatedly on a car steering wheel, chanting "I'm a f--in idiot, I'm a f--in idiot…"  The pain, the humiliation, the shame was palpable.  I think it was the most uncomfortable I've felt for a film character, ever.

more to come…

I'm Back, and I'm Forty

Here's a pretty sunset for you, taken outside my front door this week. 

It makes sense to me that the last time I posted here was at the end of October, 3 months ago-- because that's about the last time I really felt "right" with food.  Since then, I've been adrift in a sea of Halloween candy, cupcakes that I felt entitled to because it was my birthday and series of other junk binges I convinced myself I needed so that I didn't have to feel.

We wear our disease on the outside

They walk among us.  People with eating disorders who you may never suspect.  They may not be hundreds of pounds overweight, or have ever made themselves vomit (bulimics), or look painfully thin, aka. anorexic. They are called compulsive overeaters and I am one of them.

I challenge you to find a story on a compulsive overeater on the news, or featured in a television show or film. They just don't exist, so don't feel bad if you've never heard of us before.  It's really kinda of shocking though...

106 Day Commitment to No Sugar

It's been 106 days since I first made that commitment to myself to abstain from recreational sugar.  Have I eaten sugar since then? Yes, I have.  More than once?  Yes.  More than twice?  Yes. Yes.  Does this mean I have blown my commitment?  No, I have not.

The old me would have quit a long time ago.  I would have slipped, felt horrible about it and used that as an excuse to dive in even deeper, binging til the cows came home.  With addiction, once those "flood gates are open" so to speak, there's nothing to stop the compulsion.

But today, I am not where I used to be.  And I find myself...

"I did it for me." Walt said.

BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT
[If you have Tivo'd the series finale of Breaking Bad and have not seen it yet, stop reading.]

That's the pivotal moment in last night's Breaking Bad series finale,