Monday, May 13, 2013

Bloom where you are planted.

I spent my Mother's Day in urgent care, making sure my persistent cough hadn't progressed into pneumonia-- which it hadn't, thank God!  Not the most enjoyable way to spend the day, but despite the chest x-ray and nebulizer treatments, this may be my favorite Mother's Day yet...

It's the first Mother's Day that I can clearly see, appreciate and feel being a mother. (My boys are 3 and 6.)  This year I have a clarity that comes from not being "in the food."  This is a blessing and it has completely changed my outlook and my ability to participate in life.  I feel like I'm finally beginning to "Bloom where I am planted," to fully accept where I am and embrace my roll as a mother.  I have been able to do this only because I'm working through a whirlwind of negative thoughts that were mucking up my sense of self.  I was so stymied by self-hatred, it was impossible to see anything else in my life with any objectivity.  I can finally see my life for what it truly is, instead of through the foggy lens of how I was feeling about myself at the time.

Last night before bedtime, I saw the boys laughing together at a joke and the stress and irritation of hearing them fight most of the day, melted away.  I stepped back was an objective observer in my own life.  In that moment, I was able to feel how much I loved them and how grateful I am to have them in my life.

One of the hardest thing about my husband's job is that requires him to work 12 to 14 hour days, which typically don't allow him to be home for dinner during the week.  So, for long periods of time, I feel like I single mom without his help with the kids.  This Mother's Day I was able to clearly see that between projects when he is not working, he is a rock star.  He willingly jumps in and helps make lunches, drives kids to school, hangs out with them so I can do my own thing, cooks dinner, cleans up and does laundry. I've hit the jackpot.

I have said in the past that I love my kids, for sure, but as for "loving being a mom," the jury was still out. This year, as I begin to bloom where I am planted, dare I say...  I think I'm beginning to.

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