Growing up my mom would make comments about other people’s weight all the time. She said things like “that person could stand to lose a few pounds” and “they should try skipping a meal once and a while.” She once told me that a bulimic TV actress “just needed to grow-up and lose some weight.” If a person wasn’t super skinny— to her that meant they were fat. These are the beliefs that shaped my own body image. Every time my mom made a disparaging comment about someone else’s weight, I internalized it. I grew up ashamed of my body and my extra weight.
As an adult I understand why my mother made those comments— and why she still does to this day— because of her own unhealthy body image. Today, when hurtful words fly from her lips, I can block them. I hear them, but I know not to let them in.
Somewhere in life, she and I both missed the beautiful, glorious truth that we are not our weight—that no matter what happens on the outside of our bodies, the insides stay the same. Being thin does not make you a better person and being fat does not make you a worse one. I wish I could tell you that today I believe that fundamental truth all the time but I don’t— not yet, at least. What I can tell you is that my body image improves greatly when I am abstinent.
As a compulsive overeater in recovery I get to look back at the events that have shaped my beliefs and take an objective look at them. I get to challenge the notion that fat equals unworthiness. I get to decide what I want to believe and how I want to live my life. A healthier body image is something I am working towards in OA. With abstinence, my HP, rigorous honesty, the Steps and the help of my peers, I have faith that someday I will get there.
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