This morning on my way to dropping off my son at school, my head was having all sorts of obsessive thoughts about food. Being the day after Valentine's and all, she entertained fantasies of buying discounted candy and the sensation of imported Swiss milk chocolate melting slowly on her tongue and the soft, spongy sweet first bite of cake. Thank God I finally realized, these are the thoughts of a diseased mind and didn't act on them.
None of those foods will bring me what the sugar seduction promises; to be soothed, satisfied, satiated. What they will do, is trigger a craving that will compel me to ingest more and more junk food, until I'm once again brought to the point of physical pain and incomprehensible demoralization because I am a compulsive overeater and that's what I do. I can't stop once the compulsion is triggered and I can't stop from starting. The only way I can arrest the illness is make a decision not to eat those foods, no matter what.
So I have made a commitment to abstain from, what I call my alcoholic foods (cookies, candy, cake, pastries, chocolate, tortilla chips, pretzels, popcorn, most crackers) no matter what, one day at a time. Contrary to what most people assume, it's not to lose weight or be healthy, although I have faith that if I maintain this way of life over time, weight loss and health will be the end result. I do this in order to stay sane and live a conscious, purposeful life where I am of maximum service to myself and others.
When I created this blog, I must have wanted to talk about the disease (given what I named it) but over time I lost my voice. I forgot what this whole thing was for. In my first post I wrote, it's "a place just for me." Of course, I hoped it would help other's too but I got tangled up in those dreams and expectations. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that each post had to be my very best writing. That made complete sense to me then but sounds silly, now that I'm thinking about it and writing it down.
Today, I'm grateful that I wasn't seduced by the sultry sugar dance inside of my head. As for tomorrow, that will have to be another post.
