I'm Back, and I'm Forty

Here's a pretty sunset for you, taken outside my front door this week. 

It makes sense to me that the last time I posted here was at the end of October, 3 months ago-- because that's about the last time I really felt "right" with food.  Since then, I've been adrift in a sea of Halloween candy, cupcakes that I felt entitled to because it was my birthday and series of other junk binges I convinced myself I needed so that I didn't have to feel.

We wear our disease on the outside

They walk among us.  People with eating disorders who you may never suspect.  They may not be hundreds of pounds overweight, or have ever made themselves vomit (bulimics), or look painfully thin, aka. anorexic. They are called compulsive overeaters and I am one of them.

I challenge you to find a story on a compulsive overeater on the news, or featured in a television show or film. They just don't exist, so don't feel bad if you've never heard of us before.  It's really kinda of shocking though...

106 Day Commitment to No Sugar

It's been 106 days since I first made that commitment to myself to abstain from recreational sugar.  Have I eaten sugar since then? Yes, I have.  More than once?  Yes.  More than twice?  Yes. Yes.  Does this mean I have blown my commitment?  No, I have not.

The old me would have quit a long time ago.  I would have slipped, felt horrible about it and used that as an excuse to dive in even deeper, binging til the cows came home.  With addiction, once those "flood gates are open" so to speak, there's nothing to stop the compulsion.

But today, I am not where I used to be.  And I find myself...

"I did it for me." Walt said.

BREAKING BAD SPOILER ALERT
[If you have Tivo'd the series finale of Breaking Bad and have not seen it yet, stop reading.]

That's the pivotal moment in last night's Breaking Bad series finale,

Why I Blog

When I decided to write a blog, it was not my intention for it to be only about food, body issues and mom stories.  I envisioned it to be a place I could write thoughtfully about whatever came up in my life and was of interest to me at the moment; movies, television, current events, etc. I wanted to challenge myself to write more purposefully and in a more coherent, effective way, versus my journal writing which is more "stream of consciousness."  I wanted to go one step beyond the polite...

My last blog title was a lie

I'm pretty sure I will never "transition out" of sweet-seeking.  It's how my eating disorder manifests itself.  It's what I do.  You could say I have a "sweet tooth," but that would be putting it mildly.  It would be more accurate to say I am a sugar "addict." Even in recovery,  there will be times when I will crave something sweet.  I accept this as fact.  The difference is, I no longer crave sugar every day, multiple times a day. This is a miracle.

Transition out of "sweet-seeking"

My 6-year-old son started first grade yesterday, and it did not go as easily as I expected.  I guess I thought that since Kindergarden went really well-- he had lots of friends, and did well academically,  that he wouldn't have a problem.  Yep.  I was wrong...